Years they fly.

With another year down the heart begins to grow. It truly has been an exceptional birthday hard to believe since my last birthday seems only days ago. The sun is shining, the aroma of flowers are to surround me, I have the possibility to master macaroons (pistachio). Handmade art with wonderful words. I was able to celebrate with a group of my favorite people and will continue the celebrations in person a week from now. Getting older is actually quite lovely. Who would have thought… <3

Somewhere along the way i lost myself.

Thinking back is something that often happens. Some say that it isn't healthy cause all we have is the 'now'. I agree but cannot stop what must just be natural for me. As of now I feel somewhat in a rut. My outlook is different, my muse-s are different, I feel/am different. However I just more or less feel lost. As if I lost myself but my body still remains.

My ideal in life is when you are buzzing, not from substances, but rather from positive energies that fill your life. Nice people that have genuine hearts, conversation that challenges you but makes you better, creation that comes from within.

I continue to try to fight the negativity that is in my life and hope that in someway it is going to make me a better person. I try to see that my life could get worse, and that it isn' all that bad. Which I am totally aware of but as a creative and artistic person I feel at a stand still.

I have noticed that your surrounding and the place that you live in hugely important. I have found myself in an atmosphere where people have a specific ideal and if you don't fit it you are shit.

It has taken me a lot of self searching to find 'myself'. Now that I have I refuse to hide who I am or pretend I anything but. I went through a decent amount of rebelling, and I loved that course, I feel that I have many facets that make me, me.

I have always loved that saying those that matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.- So true but when you are surrounded by the latter it makes your life...... challenging to say the least.

I continually try to figure out if it is something I have done, something.... who he hell knows. I am not sure. I try to be humble, respectful and I know when certain things are appropriate.

I think that hardest thing about where I am at this point in my life is plain and simple.

I feel lost.
but with optimistic eyes.

in the sorrow.

I found something I love. I love to know how to do things. When you see something to know how to break it down- to the point where you can make it. I am sad. I found something I love but others are killing it for me. I have battled with this for some time now and am coming to the realization that it is not worth- unfortunately- the grief it is causing me. I sat here and randomly started to cry knowing that others can have such a horrid affect on someone. As I cleaned through my emails I saw the beginning. Where there was a glimmer and sparkle. Where I felt the world was my playground or at the very least going to be CRAZY exciting. I finally found something that I dream about that I pay attention to and.......... that I AM GOOD AT! it is breaking me to know that it is coming to an end. I MEAN it, my heart had never felt this. In a way that I just have to be done with it. Some of the people I have encountered on this trip have inspired me. Made me see things that I did in fact dream of as a little girl.

That point of realization has set in. It is there and now cannot go away. AND IT IS KILLING ME.

FUCK.

It is not healthy to be mean to others to feel better about yourself. period.

an ED-venture.

The holidays, for me, always bring on the pondering.

Of things like.. the new year and life, what I am doing at the moment, what I hope to do.. etc. I seek many things in life, in my dreams most of those things are real. I love sleeping for this reason. I am thinking about taking on a new. I want to study the way people are people. I may express myself through the blog or to not piss some people through personal diaries.

I sometimes think I am a 'more' sensitive person, more in tune.. to how people talk, their body language, their tone, their eye contact. This has been something through out my entire life I have been on a heightened level of awareness, sometimes I see that as a negative because I read into things more then most people. Then I started to think maybe it is 'okay' to be in tune to these things and to know more of a science, if you can, behind how people are and maybe more so dissecting the why behind it.

The why in terms of insecurities, lack of understanding, jealousy, having different sense of humors.. etc. I decided to turn my sensitivities into an exploration of the people in my life and the people around me.

It feels right, so we shall see how this goes.

be aware of yourself.

The things in life...

that make it a little better. a little worse. I tend to write with my heart and that sometimes can get me into trouble. But once that happens my heart starts to beat quicker, i get giggly, and sometime even get the goose bumps. This recent election reminds me of a time long ago where I was pretty disappointed with the outcome. Once again this happened... But like the U.K. said


AMERICA EXERCISES RIGHT TO PUNCH ITSELF IN THE NUTS
www.thedailymash.co.uk

This not only was a little over the top but made me smile bigger then I thought I would be able to. The humor is just dead on what makes my heart warm. A little twisted, maybe but..


<3 to a disappointing election that hopefully will only make us stronger! <3

ticktockticktock

I use to see the world through different eyes. Sometimes I miss those eyes. they had such an endearing quality. whimsical words the swam and whirled and whipped away. oh those days. days where all you needed was a glass of wine, a contemplative mind, and others to bounce thoughts off of. a time where you questioned everything but in that question came purpose, passion and poise. Today is a different day, not better, not worse.

Time is a funny thing. it changes things. as with the seasons one cannot enjoy the current with out knowing the past. here is to a new season, a new time really.

let the leaves fall and crunch under your soles(souls).

The beautiful has flown.

In life things make us think. Tick. Tock. In life fairness is not always granted or achieved. July 2nd was one of those days. A beautiful person has flown away. He had a good fight and lived life more then most people double his age do. To see the amount of people today that loved him, the kind words that fell off people lips, to see the sweet moments captured by a lens, showed his greatness. one would be so lucky to have 1/2 the people there. The tears rolled and the sniffles tried to be subdued by the soul could not allow. The way you see some one through others is a beautiful thing. The moments we create in life, although we sometimes think are minute, are so much more. The contemplation then discovered by a need. A wife and two girls left alone too early. A moment I cherish that I have been so lucky. The weirdest part is that the earth continues to circle. The leaves continue to fall. As do the tears. years pass, but a feeling you felt can last. A smell a sound brings you to them. I hope nothing but the best for his wife. I know she was blessed to have found the bird she found. His love, his life, his legacy... lives on for-ever-more.

Time to hold the one you love a little tighter.

Dream a little dream of you.