Somewhere along the way i lost myself.

Thinking back is something that often happens. Some say that it isn't healthy cause all we have is the 'now'. I agree but cannot stop what must just be natural for me. As of now I feel somewhat in a rut. My outlook is different, my muse-s are different, I feel/am different. However I just more or less feel lost. As if I lost myself but my body still remains.

My ideal in life is when you are buzzing, not from substances, but rather from positive energies that fill your life. Nice people that have genuine hearts, conversation that challenges you but makes you better, creation that comes from within.

I continue to try to fight the negativity that is in my life and hope that in someway it is going to make me a better person. I try to see that my life could get worse, and that it isn' all that bad. Which I am totally aware of but as a creative and artistic person I feel at a stand still.

I have noticed that your surrounding and the place that you live in hugely important. I have found myself in an atmosphere where people have a specific ideal and if you don't fit it you are shit.

It has taken me a lot of self searching to find 'myself'. Now that I have I refuse to hide who I am or pretend I anything but. I went through a decent amount of rebelling, and I loved that course, I feel that I have many facets that make me, me.

I have always loved that saying those that matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.- So true but when you are surrounded by the latter it makes your life...... challenging to say the least.

I continually try to figure out if it is something I have done, something.... who he hell knows. I am not sure. I try to be humble, respectful and I know when certain things are appropriate.

I think that hardest thing about where I am at this point in my life is plain and simple.

I feel lost.
but with optimistic eyes.

in the sorrow.

I found something I love. I love to know how to do things. When you see something to know how to break it down- to the point where you can make it. I am sad. I found something I love but others are killing it for me. I have battled with this for some time now and am coming to the realization that it is not worth- unfortunately- the grief it is causing me. I sat here and randomly started to cry knowing that others can have such a horrid affect on someone. As I cleaned through my emails I saw the beginning. Where there was a glimmer and sparkle. Where I felt the world was my playground or at the very least going to be CRAZY exciting. I finally found something that I dream about that I pay attention to and.......... that I AM GOOD AT! it is breaking me to know that it is coming to an end. I MEAN it, my heart had never felt this. In a way that I just have to be done with it. Some of the people I have encountered on this trip have inspired me. Made me see things that I did in fact dream of as a little girl.

That point of realization has set in. It is there and now cannot go away. AND IT IS KILLING ME.

FUCK.

It is not healthy to be mean to others to feel better about yourself. period.